I refuse to have a party without my friend Darren (3D). And I have three reasons why:
1. During one backyard BBQ, I insisted upon decorating the entirety of the yard with candles, putting votives in potted plants and crocked ledges. Because of this, a small series of fires blazed periodically throughout the party, but quick thinking beer drinkers quickly outted them. Confident that all candles were extinguished, we drunkenly passed out. At 4am, 3D awoke and had to pee. Still shitfaced, he passed up the main bedroom mere steps away and walked to the back bathroom on the sunporch. Happening to glance into the backyard, he noticed that the chaise lounge was completely on fire. Completely. Leaping into action, he ran into the kitchen, finding two half filled bowls of salad. He dumped one into the other, filled the empty bowl with water and ran outside. One salad bowl of water, unfortunately, was not enough, but he soon located a hose and saved the day. I awoke the next morning and went into the kitchen. Seeing the salad bowls, I returned to the bedroom.
“What the fuck happened to the salad.”
“Uh, I put out a fire at 4am. You’re welcome.”
And he rolled over and went back to sleep.
2. During the Halloween debacle of ’05, our party got completely out of control. There were legit physical fights, Zoe angrily left and someone actually peed on my bed. Not only did 3D come in an awesome costume (a human Scrabble board), but he stayed until the bitter end, putting me in my room with Andy and New Chris and making everyone else leave. It was no longer cool, it was no longer fun and all anyone sane wanted to do was go home. But Darren stayed and literally kicked people out of my house for me, tucked me in and made sure all the candles were out before leaving me in peace.
3. Arriving in time to charm my parents this Saturday, 3D hung out with me in the dining room regaling me with tales of chaperoning a prom. Suddenly, he looked across the room at the lamp I purchased in Hong Kong which is decidedly broken.
“What’s wrong with that lamp?”
“It’s broken and foreign. I’ve got to take it to get it fixed.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“I don’t know. It’s funky. Oh, oh, oh! Can you fix it?”
But he got up and started futzing with it. Kate was confused. “Um, what is Darren doing?”
“He’s fixing my lamp. He’s my electrician.”
“I’m NOT an electrician. I just like fixing things. Can I plug this in?”
I went into the kitchen to grab some more wine and heard a commotion and subsequent round of applause coming from the dining room.
He puts out fires, he kicks out hooligans, the boy even fixes appliances.
Trust me. You want this guy at your parties…