Dane Cook is the Anti-Christ.
I hate him.
Allow me to count the ways.
1. A comic should not be hot. And a comic should really not be hot in a 1998 douchebag from a teen movie kind of way. Ironic tees, leather wristbands and weathered jeans do not make you one of us. They make you one of them.
2. Everyone wants to sell out. But even I would be unwilling to appear onscreen with Jessica Simpson.
3. Every story he tells is pretty much about how much Dane Cook rocks. It’s funny, but it tends to start with, “So Kevin Costner was telling me about this project…” The only response to that is fuck you, Dane Cook. Fuck you and Kevin Costner hanging out.
4. The man has made me laugh. But laugh in the kind of way you laugh at someone who you’re scared will publicly mock you at any moment. If you don’t bow down and kiss this guy’s ass, he’ll throw you in a locker. Just in a really funny way.
5. I have a feeling he’s a big high-fiver.
6. Dane Cook audience members high-five each other. Because they, you know, get it. They relate to his humor, bro. Dane is the shit. Cook is high-larious. For serious, son.
7. Why is he yelling? Stop yelling at me. I’m already afraid of you.
8. Having just re-watched Comedian, I have a newfound hatred for Dane Cook, upon whom the concept of old school is entirely lost. You know who I’m loving right now? Colin Quinn. Well, now that Mitch is dead…