Thank god I have Joe in my life who doesn't know how to tell time and calls me at 7:30 in the morning because homegirl woke me up just in time for Gavin on Alice!!!
Alex and I both crashed at our folks last night after dinner at Bungalow 44 where we ate at the bar and my brother got hit on by an old ass cougar who kept announcing how drunk she was while showing him her daughters' hooker photos on her phone.
So this morning, now wide awake, I struggled with some clock radio trying to find 97.3 only to realize that someone set it to AM.
AM? Really? For what? News?
Finally on Alice, I had a few minutes to kill so I rummaged around to find a pen and something to write on, convinced Gavin would make my Friday with lots of sound bites and gems, like the time he confessed on Energy Gay Radio that he didn't use just one kind of hair gel. He creates his own blend.
That pretty much made my year. Christ, I'm still talking about it.
Amid much fanfare, Gavin shows up and is...motherfucking boring.
I blame the Alice Morning Show for this because they spent the majority of Gavin precious time talking about some stupid bowling alley. Who the hell bowls? Certainly no one in a state touching an ocean.
So right away, everyone congratulates Gavin on his engagement and how hot Swiss Miss is. "I'm blessed."
Barf. Gross. Sick.
But at least talk about it!
Nope. All we get is that Gavin pawns people he doesn't want to talk to anymore onto Swiss Miss. Duh. That's her job. That's like, Chapter One of Political Spousing for Dummies. I guess the Alice Morning "Crew" got to go to Gavin inaugural bash at the DeYoung where there was an open bar and apparently, the drinks were stiff.
Gavin quips, "It's all that alcohol I haven't had in the past year."
He went on to claim that he hasn't had a drop of booze this whole time, and only misses it when he's bored. Really? I start missing it at around 2pm.
We finally move onto the Tatiana the Tiger story, although Gavin keeps referring to her as a lion. He also called the mauling victims "drunk and stoned" but said that "shouldn't be a death sentence." Apparently, they had Grey Goose in their car. Nice.
Then we get onto the goddamn bowling alley for an eternity until suddenly, Gavin has to go.
Oh, and his parting words, amidst more fucking congratulations on his foxy fiance?
He wants kids.
Barf. Gross. Sick...
* I almost forgot! A kid at THIS EVENT asked him if it was true that Gavin only had one chest hair. I love this kid...
4 comments:
I'll have you know, Ms. Snootie-two-shoes, that I bowl. In fact, just last night we ventured out to Presidio Bowl only to be turned away because we weren't in a league.
There are two main obstacles preventing Her Spotsness from bowling: (a) you have to wear ugly shoes, and (2) you have to set your drink down for at least 45 seconds. Get over it.
I agree with Brian!
Swiss Miss has got to be knocked up. No way Gavin wants kids. He likes young tail and booze too much to go all wholesome on us.
Three orphans from a war-torn country are on their way to Swiss Miss as we speak. For an interview first, of course.
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