the things i will do for free ice milk on a stick...

Church was never optional in my family. Every Sunday, even if we were on vacation much to my horror, included Mass. If it works for you, awesome. Alas, organized religion is not for me. Mass had several pluses, however. Mainly the other children dragged to church, primarily the hot ones of the opposite sex. There weren’t a ton of fellas my age at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, but the moment I hit my true stride of pubescent awkwardness, some parent got the bright idea to start a teen youth group. One Sunday, some poor girl was forced up to the pulpit after communion, which is generally when announcements are made, like who’s in charge of next week’s donuts. Forcing her best smile, she asked everyone to stand. Then she asked everyone under 13 to sit down.
My brother collapsed with relief.
She asked everyone over 18 to sit.
Delighted at my predicament, my folks sat down.That left me, this kid Connor and about 4 other horrified teens standing amidst the parishioners.
“Those of you still standing are invited to join the new youth group.”
As we left, my mother marched me over to some sign-up sheet and that was that. Driving home, Mom turned around from the passenger seat.
“Wasn’t that a clever way of getting teens to join the youth group?”
Public humiliation? Yeah, I’m sure Jesus would’ve totally approved.
Well this Thursday, the very same thing happened again.

Melissa attended LSF’s class of 2008, which stands for Leadership San Francisco and is basically a 10-month community service program for future community leaders. Through LSF, Mel became friends with Cyn, Comcast and Vansmack and thus, they are now good friends of mine. Every year, LSF has a fundraiser at the Golden Gate Disposal Company called Dinner at the Dumps.
Thursday was my second year as Melissa’s date to Dinner at the Dumps and I had a lovely time munching on pasta with Cyn and sending Vansmack to get me more Diet Coke. Other than my friend Big Chris, Vansmack is probably the most inappropriate person I’ve ever met in my life and for that, I love him dearly. I would give you examples of his humor, but they’re too inappropriate. He’s that bad.
Anyway, as we ate gigantic slabs of beef and munched on ice cream cones, someone walked on stage and to the podium to make announcements. I didn’t really start paying attention until she asked the current LSF class to stand.
Oh God. Here we go. This isn’t really the kind of event you bring a plus one to. Most spouses and significant others are spared Dinner at the Dumps. But I have no life. My sugar mama buys my tickets and I get to goof around with Vansmack. What can I say? I like going to random political and business functions.
Anyway, the current class was standing and I just knew what would come from the loudspeakers next.
“Will all alumni please stand?”
I actually considered standing. I didn’t have the balls to look, but I was pretty sure I was one of a handful still sitting. And as the lovely woman at the podium pointed out that anyone still sitting should apply for LSF, Vansmack started chanting.

He was almost screaming it, our entire standing table in hysterics as I cowered under my dinner napkin.
“Everyone stare at Beth! Everyone stare at Beth!”
He must have screamed “Everyone stare at Beth” twenty times. And all I could do was thank God my brother didn’t think of this tactic lo those years ago at church youth group…